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Relationship Tips: Signs That You’ve Lost Yourself

I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve lost myself in a relationship. It’s so easy to do, and we slip into this mode so effortlessly, that you might not even realize it’s happened. Here are some signs:

– You hover over your phone, waiting for texts or phone calls.
– You aren’t seeing your friends. You don’t even think about them because you are obsessing about him.
– You don’t make plans with your friends or family until after you know whether you have plans with him.
– You stop doing things you used to enjoy because he doesn’t do them or because you might miss a call if you’re not home.
– You’re home a lot — even if he’s not.
– You want to be with him all the time, and when you aren’t together because of something he has to do, your feelings get hurt.
– You get irritated or angry when he wants to do something without you or if you are apart for a while.
– You want answers now about commitment and how he feels about you.
– You get a little bit paranoid, needy, jealous.
– You will delay an important call or interrupt work or family plans for this person.
– You are so preoccupied by the relationship that it interferes with getting your work done.
– You talk constantly about him to your friends.
– You think about him all the time, more than you think about anything else.
– You aren’t getting any alone time to recharge and stay in touch with yourself.
– You are feeling obsessive, extreme, or out of control.
– You feel like you are forcing it.
– You are terrified of losing him.
– It even crosses your mind to drive by his house when you can’t reach him.
– When you are together, you hang on his every word.
– The relationship has become your identity.

If you checked even one of these boxes, and especially if you checked more than three, then we have some work to do. If you know you are this person right now in your life, you need to take a deep breath and start being very deliberate about what you say and do. It’s time to get ahold of yourself. If you call or text and you don’t get an immediate answer, you need to stop yourself from doing it again and again. You need to remind yourself that maybe the other person has something else going on, or is on the phone, or is sleeping. Also remember that men process things differently from women.

I know you feel insecure. You wonder why that person didn’t call you back, but your behavior is smothering. You have to control yourself. Say what you need to say, but stay on high alert for your own personal crazy, because it’s just under the surface right now.

This is an excerpt from I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After by Bethenny Frankel, available on