relationship balance bethenny frankel

Get Your Balance in Your Relationship

A new relationship, especially a really passionate one, really can sweep you off your feet, and that’s fun and exciting. It’s not necessarily bad that this happens. For many of us, it’s inevitable. You’re in love! (Or extreme like. Or lust. Or whatever it is that hijacks your brain.) Enjoy it. It’s part of what makes life fun. I would never deny you that human pleasure. At some point, however, you have to get back on your feet. You can’t live like that any more than you can survive on candy.

But getting back to yourself can be difficult. Especially in a new relationship, it can take a little time to get reacquainted with yourself and regain your identity, interests, and balance. You also tend to forget your own worth. You don’t remember how cute you are anymore. You don’t know if guys even like you or think you are pretty. If you feel a pull in the obsessive direction, it’s time to get dressed and go do something without him. Get back to who you are. It’s hard if you are a homebody who hoped to get a boyfriend so you’d never have to go out again, but this isn’t good for you because you will lose yourself if you don’t interact with other people besides your new love interest.

Once you start giving up things you want to do because someone else doesn’t want to do them, you are headed into dangerous territory – identity-losing territory, resentment territory, doormat territory. You don’t have to be extreme about it, and you haven’t ruined everything if you’ve done this already. You can repair the situation. Trickle your life back into your existence. Don’t do it spitefully. Do it for yourself. The first step is recognizing that you need it, then the second step is to white-knuckle it a little bit. Hold on and don’t blow up at him or yourself for losing touch with your life BR (before relationship). Do something on your own or just for yourself at least once a week. If something fun comes up, like a concert or a show you want to see, and your partner isn’t interested, go anyway, with someone else. It doesn’t have to be intense. Go to the mall. A cooking class. A movie.

Don’t be that girl who thinks (or says), Never mind, I don’t need to go because you don’t want to to or I won’t go without you. Don’t blame him or say things like, “I cancelled this for you!” Nobody asked you to do that. This is all on you. Only you can make yourself happy. If you have simply made the mistake of thinking that was somebody else’s job, now you know the truth. Now you can get down to the business of taking care of yourself.

This is an excerpt from I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After by Bethenny Frankel, available on