Is Your Man Cheating? 3 Questions to Ask

Backstage at "bethenny," HuffPost Women writer and novelist Jill Di Donato shares her advice for when you suspect a partner may be cheating.

Do you suspect cheating? Here are three questions to ask yourself…

1. Is there a big change in his schedule?
Does he disappear for a long periods of time? Does he often fail to come home?

2. Are you sure there’s a red flag?
If there is a red flag, pay attention to it. Have some self-talk, and talk to a girlfriend you trust. Think through how you want to approach the conversation.

3. How is he acting toward you?
Is he making you feel safe and secure in your relationship? A man who is not cheating on you will make you feel safe and secure.

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Comments

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Roger
237 days ago

As a guy I love that this kind of discussion occurs publicly or privately, it's all good. Good information is a win win for guys who don't cheat, because it educates the ladies on genuine signs. However I think the tips provided here are so ineffectual as to be considered more marketing slogans that informational.

1) If there's a red flag? What does that even mean? Qualifying this helps the jealous crazy girls to moderate their sense of jealousy and also girls who are naive to know that they should start paying attention more at certain points to quality 'red flags'.

2) Changes in hours are common and again is more fear mongering. I thought the comment about cheating during work hours was helpful though, it's definitely something I found my head nodding with 'that's a good idea actually' when I heard it. Made sense. I'm not a cheater, so I can only go with what would make sense to me if that was a path I choose.

3) How is he acting towards you? I think this one is the worst one. I change how I'm acting towards my partner based on a number of situations. Ironically I've had girls become more insecure because I don't want to have sex. I'm like with all the yelling and crazy talk I'm sorry, but I can't **** you. That doesn't mean I'm going to go out and have sex with some other girl. Ironically the closest I ever came to cheating was in a way one of my girlfriends never suspected and that was because she kept putting me down and making me feel bad about myself.

Women already make so many decisions based on stereo types such as if I don't have sex with him he'll leave me or sleep with someone else. It's true we really really don't like not having sex, but this is just one of the many ways women miss read us. This show should do more to generate insight into how men really think, rather than re-enforce poor judgement and incorrect stereo types.

Lastly so many issues seem to be in play when infidelity comes up, I think some time spent talking about those would create a better win win. Seems to me from the guys I've met that long before they cheated, there were issues that their partners refused to address. Communication and openness is a two way street and cheating is only one side of a two way street.

PS. I have a very very strong sex drive, so please don't assume my willingness not to cheat as due to a 'likely' lower sex drive, because that's just not true.

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Lisa
240 days ago

First, I think that the one to blame is the cheater. The cheater should look at his/her relationship and put energy into fixing it or leave instead of cheating. With that being said I also have a huge problem with the woman who cheats with a married man! She is as low as it gets. There are plenty of single men out there!

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Jennifer
240 days ago

Maybe the wife's don't care if their looser husbands are getting sex with other people

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Tanya
311 days ago

The women who are bashing the other woman....Why don't they hold their man accountable for their own actions. I have been on both sides of the coin.

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Sara Bernstein
317 days ago

Cheating? Are you serious? How about "Why?" ! Talk about sex in the city shallowness. Mr Big cheated Why? Cheated? What a paranoid un-liberated way of looking at a relationship. What did the Beatles say " I, me, Mine...He's all mine. "A man who is not cheating on you will make you feel safe and secure." No honey Jill that is up to you darling and don't you forget it. Your insecurities are yours not his.

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Kris
317 days ago

One word...morals.

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CatherineBP
318 days ago

The audience is missing the point by blaming the women who are mistresses. The other woman hasn't made a commitment to the wife, the husband did that and is the only one who is responsible for the cheating! Women who blame other women end up with irresponsible, selfish men who cheat.....learn to hold your man accountable and he will stop cheating, but only if he really loves you and is happy; and if he doesn't, kick his ass out, even if it hurts. Men LOVE women who have good self-esteem which is why they almost never marry the mistresses, because a woman with good self-esteem doesn't want to waste her time and energy with a cheating loser, no matter his position or financial "perks".

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Carrie
318 days ago

One of the girls in the audience was upset that her wedding next week is cancelled because of the "other woman". Ok, so single women aren't supposed to date married men, and now it looks like they aren't supposed to date men that are "almost married" either? So, where do we draw the line? Every guy has a past relationship - how many of these women will complain that they could have gotten back with "their" man if not for the meddler getting in the middle? The married man is the one who is cheating, not the "other woman". The "other woman" did not promise before God and everyone that they would be true thru sickness and health, etc. etc. It is not the "other woman's" responsibility to stay away from him - she is free to date whomever she wants to. He is the one who is not. Stop looking at her to blame - she is a stranger to you and does not "owe" you any loyalty because you married a cheater.

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pretty in pink
318 days ago

I just think that it is your husbands job to stay faithful not the other woman. Stop getting mad at her especially if you choose to stay with him or take him back and check your guy because he is the one that made vows to you. Personally I feel its not the other woman's job or duty to be concerned with how you feel, that's your husbands job. Don't get me wrong I don't condone cheating nor would I want this to happen to me but it happens. Wives just like husbands need to remember to continue to do the things that they did to hook their mates, and stop getting married because you have kids or have been together for forever and you feel pressured, get married because you are in love and happy, can be an individual strong independent and courageous. It's when couples get complacent and forget to constantly communicate, not nag in the relationship that the door is opened for infidelity. Remember that karma is a B****!, People will only do/say to you what you allow them to do/say, and you determine your worth, not your husband, not the mistress, but YOU. It is more courageous to be single than to get married and cheat or be cheated on because you don't know your value.

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Sherrell Phillips Lopez
318 days ago

About the 'why do men cheat?' subject...the answer (sometimes) is not so complicated as women try to make it...I believe (as a woman) that sometimes a man cheats just out of plain boredom...nothing wrong with his wife/woman, nothing wrong with his homelife....just bored. Looking for intrigue and the newness of something else! Not everyone cheats because "something is wrong at 'home' (so to speak).A lot of people cheat hoping NOT to get caught...lust gets the better of them and it is acted upon (shouldn't be if one is in a commited relationship BUT it is acted upon)and now the road of intrigue is inplay until BOOM.....BUSTED AND sometimes NOT! Beth, I'm an 'older doll' and have been on both sides so sometimes it's not as complicated as all that.

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Linda C. Jones
318 days ago

As to men cheating, After a seventeen year marriage, due to
my husband being a serial cheater I was left on the street with two children. Believe me the spouse is not the only one who is
destroyed by the behavior of the the spouse and the other women
I have lived long enough to see the results and destruction that
happens to the children. There is no justification for the lasting pain and suffering that happens. Forty years later
I am still dealing with it.

Linda C. Jones

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JA
318 days ago

It's always amazing to me how mistresses put their own spin on their affairs & how they love to turn it around & blame the wife. No one has ever cheated on me but I have witnessed the effects of it by way of a very good friend.She was a beautiful,loving, hard-working person. She would watch his children while he went to "work" on Saturdays.His cheating destroyed her self esteem & her health. But she stayed with him because she had made a commitment.The women he cheated with were co-workers so they knew very well that he was married & they were also married.Of course, if a man wants to cheat,he's going to cheat.But it would help if women would have some respect & not pursue a married man.

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coraNation
318 days ago

During my freshman year in college I "dated" my professor. He told me he was in a relationship. A stupid 20 year old, I brushed it off. I saw his car once at a fast food place while I was going in to get dinner. There was only one person inside. It wasn't him. There was this lone woman customer, regular looking, nothing memorable about her. I felt so bad for her. It was like I became her. The next time he called me I broke up with him. I knew I wouldn't want someone I love treating me like that. He called me repeatedly, even decades later. In my eyes he was s***. There was no way I could deal with him anymore. As a woman, I knew that if he had so little regard for her, what would make me think he would treat me any better? It changed the way I dealt with men and relationships.

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Melanie
318 days ago

I believe if these girls(mistresses)where on the other side of the fence, some - not all, would not cheat with a man any more!

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Betty
318 days ago

I understand you can't always know when a man is married because they don't wear a ring, but why would anyone just jump into bed with a man they know nothing about I'm sure a conversation exist at some point.
I keep hearing how cheating men with other women is hurting a wife what about children?
I'm a married woman and honestly when I caught a woman trying too hit on my husband even know he kept trying too figure out ways to be away from her since they work together I actually finally told her she needed to pay attention to her life because he wasn't interested and he's happy with his marriage.
My husband and I both have been hurt by cheaters so the one promise we made with one another is too always be honest and if we end up unhappy with one another and need to move on then we first divorce and then move on so that no one is hurt as much.

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